Driver's Seat
Si habla official lingo?
Article published on Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2008 |
There’s a movement out there calling for English to be officially decreed our national language. Many members of this group are dismayed that Spanish is making such inroads into our culture.
Today, when you telephone a company or government agency, chances are fairly high a voice with a lousy Spanish accent will cut in and say something like, “Si dica Espanol, punchola la numero uno key, por favor.” Translation: “My half-sister’s first name is Punchola.” Which tends to get nobody anywhere, phone-wise.
Some Americans favor a federal law requiring all newly arrived immigrants to learn English within two years after landing on our shores. A virtue of such a law is that it would create a need for 6 million new teachers of English as a second language, thus reducing our unemployment rate.
On the other hand, is it fair to demand that foreign-born citizens learn to speak English when only about 37 percent of native-born Americans are able to speak or write decent English? Most of us butcher the language in a variety of ways.
During a recent TV weather broadcast, for example, I heard a young woman interject the word “actually” 16 times in three minutes, to no apparent purpose whatsoever. Most college graduates think a reflexive pronoun is some sort of stretching exercise. Other allegedly educated Americans would tell you that a dangling participle is a Greek porno star.
Of course, things could be made easier on immigrants if they were asked to learn only the 20 or so words or expressions that many Americans get along with in daily conversation. Five of these are variations of the “F” word. The remainder includes “dude,” “oh my god,” “whazzup?,” “cool,” “Brittany,” “awesome,” “totally,” “score” and “weed.” Get these and a few others down pat and you’ll be, like, totally accepted, even if you just got off the plane from Regurgistan.
If we ever legalize a second language, in addition to English, I hope it is Italian. That’s a beautiful language, romantic, colorful, with curved, lugubrious vowels cascading upwards into the night. Another good thing about Italian-speaking people is that they can express themselves so well with their hands and other body parts. The average Italian, if suddenly struck dumb, could still deliver dozens of meaningful messages just by winking, rolling his/her eyes, raising his eyebrows, putting his finger against his cheek and twisting it (his finger, not his cheek), or crooking his elbow while clamping his hand forcefully against his opposite bicep.
Still another useful second language would be Scottish. The Scots tend to be silent much of the time, and what a blessing that would be, most days. The reason they’re so quiet, at least while among non-Scots, is that few people can understand what a Scot is saying, so why should he/she bother to speak? When he/she does utter a sentence, it will usually contain the words “wee,” “bonnie,” “nicht,” “haggis” and “let’s go beat up on a Brit!”
Getting back to Spanish: no one can accuse Latinos of dragging their feet in adopting American pop culture. Of the 20 or so TV channels I pay $11 a month to watch, four of them are Hispanic. Their programming is dominated by straight knockoffs of American shows: (A) talk shows featuring unhappy, whining persons accusing other people of cheating, bullying, theft, meddling, incest and halitosis, and (B) courtroom contestants arguing over who should pay for a $28 flask of perfume allegedly stolen from Maria by an ex-girl friend bent on seducing Maria’s landlord’s auto mechanic. I try to watch a few minutes each day to improve my Spanish vocabulary. I’m getting real good at understanding “por que,” “casa,” “mujer” and “corazon.” If Spanish is ever ruled a second U.S. language, I figure I’ll be in fine shape.
Send Bob Driver an e-mail at tralee71@comcast.net.
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Article published on Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2008
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